A Swing and a Miss: The Funny, Tragic, and Scary True Stories of Real Swingers Read online

  ~ Tricia, Gulfport, MS

  My husband had a fantasy of a gang bang, with me as the center of attention. He spent a lot of time emailing and getting pics from people so that he could choose just the right ones. He invited 6 guys to a hotel the night of my birthday; he figured half would show up. Four guys came to the hotel, and only one of them looked anything like his pics. The others were much heavier and older than the pics they sent, and one of them didn’t even seem to be the same person. My husband was so angry he sent those three guys packing. They were pissed. We ended up having a nice threesome with the one guy who had been honest. We hope to see him again!

  ~ Lucy, NV

  Shortly after we had started swinging and posted pictures of ourselves on different sites online, we were contacted by email by a couple. They sent us our own photos saying it was them when they contacted us…

  ~Anonymous

  We met a couple for drinks a few years ago, and we had quite a shock. As with many online profiles of couples, they had posted 50 or more photos of her, but only one or two of him, and they were blurry and far away. They kept making excuses for not being able to update their photos or send us new ones. She was hot, though, and they seemed nice, so we agreed to meet. He wanted us to come right over and get in their hot tub, which freaked us out a little, so we suggested drinks at a bar near their house. And if things went well, we could go to their place. When we got to the bar we recognized her right away. She was in her early twenties and very cute. We sat next to her, wondering where her husband was. Then she turned to the OLD man next to her and introduced him. This man looked nothing like the blurry photos online. He had salt and pepper grey hair, a thick mustache, and he looked like he was in his fifties. Not his thirties as the profile said. We felt totally creeped out. My wife immediately began fiddling with her phone as I tried to think of something to say other than oh my god you’re old. She then grabbed my arm and told the couple there was an emergency at home and we had to go. Thank goodness for cell phones. It’s a shame you can’t leave bad feedback on swinger profiles, like on ebay. Not as advertised! Would save people the trouble.

  ~Ed, MD

  If you’re in the lifestyle, this sort of thing will happen to you at some point. Lately, as mentioned in the previous chapter, we’ve decided to start asking for candid photos to be texted to us before we agree to meet couples individually. That way, we know for sure they are who they say they are, and that they’ll look like we expect. Then again, we’re meeting a couple this weekend at a party, and we haven’t even seen their faces. Ah, sometimes we never learn!

  Chapter Three

  The Swinger Stand Up

  I’ve never understood the concept of standing someone up for a date. It’s thoughtless and shows a complete lack of common courtesy. It seems that in the world of swinging, standing someone up is even more common than in dating. Part of it most likely stems from the fact that these are mostly “no strings attached” situations, without the potential for feelings or any sort of lasting relationship. Very little is invested in it from the outset, so there’s little feeling of regret for blowing someone off. That’s an unfortunate reality, and it’s completely disrespectful. Even single men, who seem desperate for a couple to even reply to their emails, can become flaky when it comes time to arrange a date with a couple.

  Another reason for this discourteous behavior, at least from our own observations and experience, is that couples will often begin to feel a need to weigh all their options until the very last minute. Rather than decide to meet a couple and stick with that decision, they make plans, then continue to send out emails, chat with people, and see if a “better” offer comes along. It’s as if they have only that one weekend to have fun, and they don’t want to make the wrong decision. A kid in a candy store being told they can have one piece of candy, paralyzed with the abundance of choices, certain he’ll miss out on finding that perfect piece of candy.

  When a couple makes tentative plans for the weekend with us on a Monday, then seems to “disappear” until Saturday, not replying to emails although it’s clear they’re online, we tend to get a sense that this is what’s happening, and by Saturday we’ve lost all interest. Meanwhile, they’ve most likely contacted half a dozen couples about meeting, and they’re agonizing over which to choose. My hope is usually that all the couples will end up blowing them off, and that they’ll learn their lesson. Apparently, this sort of thing happens to most swingers, and it’s not just restricted to couples.

  One thing we hate about trying to meet people in the swinging scene is that they seem to be really wishy washy. The swingers website we use has party listings, and people can sign up on the site to show they are attending the party. Well, to us the nice thing about that is that we can see who will be at the party and if we like someone’s profile, we can make plans to meet them at the party and see if there’s a connection. We’ve had good luck with this and met several couples that way. But more often than not, we’ll email a couple about meeting for a drink at the party and they will reply saying “we prefer to just play it by ear.” Why is it so hard to agree to introduce yourselves and share one drink with people? Or we will have people say “okay, see you there” but then we never end up meeting them because the party is packed. My wife really prefers chatting a bit with people before a party to make a connection, but lately no one seems to want to make the effort to get to know each other. It’s too easy to just get drunk and randomly hook up with a total stranger, I suppose. That’s not for us.

  ~Jeff, Macon, GA

  This was really embarrassing. I’m a single woman who used to be in the lifestyle. I had a date for dinner and drinks with a couple, and I showed up to the restaurant a few minutes late. I texted them as I was walking to the door to let them know I was there. I walked in and sat at the bar, waiting for a text back. I thought they may be running late too. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw them sitting in the back corner of the restaurant. I was about to get up and walk over to them when my phone vibrated. It was a text from the couple saying they had something come up and couldn’t make it to meet me. I was standing at the bar freaking out. The couple obviously saw me and decided to bail on the date. I’ve never felt so uncomfortable in my life. I sent them a candid photo of me just the day before. I don’t know what their problem was, but I guess I didn’t live up to their expectations. I think I’m pretty damned hot! So much for single women never getting rejected.

  ~ Tara, Colorado Springs, CO

  I travel a bit for work, and when I’m on the road I sometimes meet up with couples or single women for some fun, with the permission of my wife, of course. One evening when I was spending the night out of town, I got an email from a couple who said they’d like to meet. We exchanged numbers, and they said they’d meet me at a bar near my hotel. I was tired after a long day of work, but I showered, got ready, and went to the hotel. I texted them when I arrived. No reply. I had a drink and sipped it for thirty minutes, not wanting to have too much to drink before meeting them. Still nothing. I texted them to ask if something had come up, but they didn’t reply. Thinking they might be driving and not checking their texts, I waited another half hour. By that point I knew they had stood me up. I went back to the hotel and checked my email, just in case. Nothing. I was irritated by the situation, but I know sometimes people can be total jerks, particularly to “single” guys. I pretty much forgot about the whole thing until six months later, when the same couple emailed our couples profile wanting to meet. Before I had a chance to reply, my wife did. And boy, did she tell them off. By the time I got back to my computer, they had blocked us. Idiots.

  ~Mark, Metairie, LA

  One thing that confuses me more than anything in this “lifestyle” is getting stood up and blown off by single men! It seems they should be the happiest of anyone to have a couple take interest in meeting them, but they seem most likely to be complete jerks and ruin a potentially good situation. One time, I spent probably two weeks chatting and emai
ling this one guy who seemed really nice and respectful, and he was interested in trying his first threesome with a couple. Well, the night we were supposed to meet for drinks, he had to work late. We’ve been there, and we totally understood. Then we made plans for a few days later, and he was “under the weather.” Okay, well, that’s cool, we just went out anyway and had a good night together. We made plans one more time the following week, and he just didn’t reply at all that day to confirm. We texted and emailed, and got nothing back from him. We went on with our lives, admittedly a bit peeved at this jerk, and a week or so later he sent some rambling email about how he had been going through a lot, blah blah blah, and that he just wasn’t in a good place to meet new people. Whatever.

  Fast forward 3 or so years to last month. Again, we decided to try to meet up with a guy. Perused through a bunch of emails in reply to an ad we posted, and we picked the guy who seemed most intelligent and respectful, not some jerk who sent us ten cock photos without bothering to show us his face. Yuck. So my husband texted back and forth with him for a week or so, and we made plans to meet for a drink or two one weeknight. Two days prior, he texted us and said the weather looked bad for that night, did we still want to go? That seemed odd to me. We said yes, we’re still on. Then the next day, he sent a strange series of texts about how he just had to juggle too many things, and he was stressed out, and he could meet us, but he would have two friends with him, and would we mind that. Realizing we were dealing with yet another total flake, my husband just told him to get in touch with us when his life calmed down. We haven’t heard from him since. For now, we’re just going to go to the local club on the nights single guys are there, and try our luck with that. It’s just not worth all the effort, really.

  ~Michelle, Allen, TX

  We’d had two dates with a really cute, really nice couple, and while we’d hoped to play with them, the couple got really shy on the second date and didn’t go through with it. It was no big deal to us, and we kept in touch with them. They texted us and told us they wanted us to be “their first” swinging experience, and they couldn’t wait to make it happen. We made plans to get together about a week and a half later at a party going on in town. 5 days before, he texted us and said they were sick and wouldn’t be able to make it. We said no problem, but if you feel better, we have 5 more days til the party. He insisted they were just not going to be well enough. We figured they were chickening out of playing and we told them there was no pressure. We didn’t hear from them again. We went to the party and saw them walk in with another couple. They looked horrified to see us there and couldn’t make eye contact with us. Finally about an hour into the party he came over to try to make small talk. My wife wouldn’t even look at him. We have no time for rude people who cancel plans with us and can’t even be honest.

  ~Ernie, Salt Lake City, UT

  Sometimes life gets in the way of fun, and we all have had situation in which we’ve needed to cancel plans we’ve made with other people. The normal rules of common courtesy should apply in swinging just as in other facets of life, though. Letting people know immediately when plans must be changed or canceled should be common practice. Unfortunately, people in general are thoughtless, and people in the swinging community seem to be burdened with an extra dose of inconsideration.

  Chapter Four

  How Rude!

  In swinging, just as in life, we all encounter people who simply lack the social skills to function adequately in a group setting. Even worse, we sometimes encounter people who know better, but choose to behave like knuckle-dragging mouthbreathers. I’ve had a good number of people share with me their stories of such encounters, and I’ve actually been shocked by the outright sleaziness and rudeness with which some people conduct themselves. That being said, I’ll start off with one of our own experiences that didn’t make it into my last book. It’s amusing, and we still laugh about it.

  While some people go to swing clubs hell-bent on meeting people and having sex with someone new each time they attend a party, my husband and I have a different take. We find it to be a lively, enjoyable atmosphere for sharing drinks and laughs with friends, and the different areas of our “home” club afford us the opportunity to laugh and get loud and silly, or to sit in a quieter spot and talk, or, if the mood strikes, to have some sexy fun in one of the many play rooms on the upper floors. We rarely go with the intention of “hooking up” with anyone; sometimes it happens, and we consider that a bonus (if it goes well, that is). Our perspective and behavior in this regard seem to befuddle many of the hardcore swingers who walk into the club and immediately seek out their prey for the night.

  One night, we were at the club with four other friends, two of whom we hadn’t seen in a while. As I recall, it was a particularly fun night, we all had a little too much to drink, and we spent hours talking, catching up, telling funny stories about recent events, and just having a fantastic time. As we sat and talked, couples entered and exited the room where we all sat. Sometimes they’d sit for a while, and we may or may not have greeted them in some way. There were lulls in the conversation during which time we said hello and introduced ourselves to a few people, but then there were times we were deeply involved in a story and didn’t even notice other people coming and going. We must have sat on the comfy upstairs couches for hours, and before we knew it, it was nearly three o’clock in the morning. We hugged everyone goodbye, retrieved our liquor bottle from the bartender, and headed home, thrilled with the fun night we’d had.

  The next morning, we hopped online to check our email, and we went to the swingers website we’re members of to see what was happening there. We had one email, from a couple who had emailed us a week or so before saying they would like to meet, but had never sent us any face photos of themselves. The email simply said this: “Just wanted to let you know you’re not as cool as you think you are.” Tyler and I read the email, looked at each other, read the email again, and just sat there, completely puzzled by the cryptic message.

  We read the couple’s profile, then we looked back at our email history. They were a fairly new couple on the website, and they had indeed emailed us a week or two before, saying they went to the club from time to time and would love to meet us. We’d replied and said that sounded great, but could they send us a picture so we would know who to look for. They never sent a photo. We get quite a few random emails like this, so we didn’t give it another thought.

  We replied to them, politely informing them that we did not, indeed, fancy ourselves cool by any stretch of the imagination, and inquiring as to why they felt compelled to send us that email. After a series of half a dozen more messaged riddled with grammatical errors and a general lack of understanding of, well, anything, it became evident that this couple had wandered into the room in which we were talking to our friends, had sat near the doorway and stared at us, waiting for us to jump up and acknowledge them, and had then left the room in a huff when that acknowledgement did not take place. Still fuming with the pain of rejection, they felt compelled to email us with an insult in an apparent attempt to make themselves feel better.

  Once we’d puzzled out what happened, we found the entire thing hilarious. We clued them in to the fact that we were not being rude to them at the club; that we simply had no idea who they were, and that had they come over and said hello we’d have introduced them to everyone and they would have been welcome to join us. They realized it had just been a misunderstanding, and they apologized. Funny thing is, though, that they never did send us a face photo, so for all we know we’ve sat near them many times since and had no idea it was the couple with which we’d had such a bizarre exchange.

  This experience was mild compared to many, but it was an amusing one we always look back on and have to laugh about. We’ve had more than our fair share of encounters gone awry in more serious ways, but we’ve been fortunate enough to have not come across many people like those in the following experiences which other swingers have shared with me.


  My husband and I hadn’t been out in a while, and we knew there was a big party in town for a swingers’ convention. We figured that would be a good night to go out, people-watch, and maybe meet some nice couples too. It turned out to be even more packed at the party than we expected, and we sat at the bar, practically unable to move due to the amount of people. Just as I was about to try to get up to look for the restroom, the male half of a couple we’d talked to earlier in the night walked up and stood between us to get a drink at the bar. Before I knew it, he was leaning up against me, WAY too close, and I was completely pinned against the bar. He began to rub his cock against my thigh, through his jeans, and he was clearly enjoying it. I tried to get my husband’s attention, but he was talking to someone on the other side of him, and it was so loud he didn’t hear me call his name. The “rubbing” got a little more intense, and I began to literally feel sick. Finally I jerked the barstool back and shifted my body so that he couldn’t get to me. I really wish I’d punched him in the face.